Are you a People-Pleaser? Then this one’s for you!

Last week, I listened to a podcast that really resonated with me. It was about people-pleasing - something I used to consider as a skill, like being “overly nice” or overly accommodating to others.

This podcast opened my eyes and expanded my awareness on different tendencies and behaviors I’ve had since childhood. Some of them I valued, such as the ability to blend in easily in a new environment, or my aspiration to always create harmony around me, and some I was actively trying to change, such as perfectionism and conflict avoidance.

But I never realized how deeply connected these behaviors were, or that they were actually coping mechanisms I adapted early on - mechanisms that, over time, disconnected me from my own voice and emotions.

The episode, called “The People-Pleaser’s Recovery Guide,” is from the highly recommended podcast "A Slight Change of Plans", hosted by Dr. Maya Shankar and featuring psychotherapist Meg Josephson.

Josephson explores how many of us grow up hyper-attuned to other people’s emotions - often as a coping mechanism. In unpredictable or emotionally unsafe environments, learning to “read the room” becomes a way to stay safe.

Over time, this can develop into people-pleasing: saying yes when we want to say no, avoiding conflict at all costs, silencing our needs, and constantly scanning for signs of disapproval.

She explains this through something called the fawn response - one of the body’s stress reactions, alongside fight, flight, and freeze. When we fawn, we try to appease, impress, or keep the peace, often at the expense of our own boundaries and identity.

What struck me most was how deeply this can erode our sense of self. When we’re always focused on what other people think, feel, or need - we slowly lose touch with what we think, feel, and need.

Josephson also describes six different “fawn types,” you might identify with some or all of them: 

• The Peacekeeper – feels responsible for everyone’s happiness and strives for harmony

• The Performer – gains love by entertaining and pleasing

• The Caretaker – finds worth in fixing and saving others

• The Perfectionist – believes they must be flawless to be loved

• The Chameleon – changes identity to match who they’re with

• The Lone Wolf – withdraws to avoid being a burden

Each of these, comes from a place of protection, but when carried into adulthood, they can lead to burnout, resentment, anxiety, and what I experienced the most - a deep feeling of disconnection from ourselves.

The hopeful part? These patterns can be unlearned.

Josephson introduces a powerful framework for taming the inner people-pleaser: NICER

• N – Notice what’s happening in your body and mind

• I –  Invite the feeling to stay (instead of pushing it away)

• C – Be Curious about the trigger

• E – Embrace the discomfort with compassion

• R – Return to what you know is real and true in the present moment

This NICER intentional pause - instead of immediately fixing, apologizing, or over-explaining, is where healing begins. It’s where we stop abandoning ourselves and start coming home to ourselves. And while you can’t change your body reaction, you CAN CHANGE the way you interpret and think about it.

What really stayed with me is this: Healing isn’t about becoming someone new. It’s often about returning to who you were before you learned to shrink, hide, perform, or earn love. It’s about remembering your essence - your values, your preferences, your voice, your boundaries.

And maybe, just maybe, the greatest freedom comes when we stop trying so hard to be liked… and start allowing ourselves to simply BE.

A worthy resolution for the new year, don’t you think?