Didn’t see that one coming…

With everything that’s been going on around me lately, I’ve found myself feeling unraveled over the past few days. Like a bundle of threads loosely tied together, their ends flying in every direction.

Yes - the delicate, intricate embroidery I’ve worked so hard on over a lifetime… the striving to be perfect image that was “me”… has come undone into a scattered tangle of loose threads.

It felt like each thread is a raw nerve, exposed and unprotected.

One moment I’m touching sadness, the next frustration, then joy - moving from one edge of myself to another, trying to gather the pieces and stitch myself back together.

So I’m grateful, deeply grateful, that a few months ago, I signed up for Kristin Neff’s live Self-Compassion workshop that took place in Amsterdam last Saturday. Boy, did that come at the perfect time.

Kristin Neff is internationally known for her groundbreaking work in the field of self-compassion. She teaches that self-compassion isn’t just a practice - it’s a way of being.

At its core, self-compassion is simple: it’s the act of creating a safe, warm space for ourselves to sit with our pain, so we can move through it with resilience and strength.

Now, here’s the tricky part - self-compassion doesn’t come naturally to most of us. But the good news? We are naturally good at showing compassion to others. In fact, research shows that 75% of people are much kinder to their friends than to themselves. Self-compassion simply asks us to turn that same kindness inward, to show up for ourselves the way we do for those we care about.

And if the term “self-compassion” feels too soft or maybe even irrelevant to you, try this: Replace it with “inner strength.” Would you want more of that? Then stay with me, because this really matters.

To practice self-compassion, we need three essential elements to work together:

1. Mindfulness - the ability to notice and acknowledge what’s happening within us, without judgment. Whether it’s physical pain, emotional discomfort, or deeper trauma, the first step is simply being present with it.

2. Kindness - this is where we offer warmth and care. We make that space gentle and safe for ourselves. We ask: What do I need right now? What could help? These are core self-compassion questions because honoring our needs is key.

3. Common Humanity - the reminder that we’re not alone. Everyone suffers. We all struggle. Recognizing this shared experience can reduce our sense of isolation and increase connection.

This practice can shift our sense of self from a “suffering self” to a “compassionate presence.” And it doesn’t take much, either. In fact, a UC Berkeley study led by Eli Susman found that just 20 seconds a day of a simple self-compassion exercise - placing one hand on your heart and the other on your belly while offering yourself kind words - was enough to increase both well-being and self-compassion.

For me, that’s as close as I can get to magic.

But let me be clear - self-compassion isn’t magic dust that will erase your hard feelings or instantly turn them into positive ones. What it does is create space which helps you feel better. Instead of resisting pain — which tends to make it grow and persist — you accept it and give it a place to be held. And in that space, it can shift. Sometimes it simply goes away. Sometimes it stays - like grief - but becomes more bearable.

And if the word “selfishness” popped into your mind, go ahead and let it go. Taking care of your emotional well-being has a ripple effect. A calmer, more grounded you affects everyone around you - your family, your colleagues, your friends. Self-compassion is never a selfish act. For me, it made a real difference. Why don't you try it too?